The US in 2020: this image gallery showcases some of the key symbols and people that will make the United States of America a shining beacon of free enterprise, quality SUVs and color-coordinated assault rifles by the end of this decade. (To view the images in large size, click on them in sequence; to return to this article, refresh the page).
AMERICA 2020: TEA PARTY JUBILEE IN GOD’S COUNTRY
The upcoming US midterm elections have done got me a’ponderin the gosh darn wholesome impact of faith-based politics on this unregenerate, profane, pagan, carnal, unchurched, sacrilegious, secular humanist society – and the importance of winning the Culture Wars to defeat the reprobate bleeding-heart socialist prochoice transgendered liberal environmentalist welfare bums, for the sake of our grandchildren’s offshore oil rights. Clearly, a victory for the heroic Tea Party and its crusading supporters is the only hope for a truly godly, righteous, prosperous, and combat-ready America.
Renowned historian and cinematic visionary Dinesh D’Souza put it best, in a statement issued after his unjust trial for violating federal campaign finance laws: “Baruch Hussein Osama is single-handedly responsible for socialized health care, same-sex marriage, medicinal marijuana, climate change protests, free handouts for immigrant brats, feminist commies stealing our jobs, legalized mandatory tree-hugging, uppity poor people, impotent billionaires, incompetent twerking, premature ejaculation, Justin Bieber’s crime spree, male pattern baldness, Dan Brown’s otherwise inexplicable popularity, dandruff, Lady Gaga’s headgear, free U2 albums, the heartbreak of psoriasis, walking while black, bad Spiderman sequels, making Republicans look like incurable cretins, and deliberately not invading IRAAAAAAAAQ!!!”
After choking, catching his breath, counting to three, muttering a Hail Mary, and popping several valiums, D’Souza concluded: “Is there no end to this dangerous demagogue’s damnable duplicity, delinquency, depravity, deviancy, declivity, derangement, and deliberate disestablishmentarianism? Americans must stop this unpatriotic gun-grabbing undercover Muslim Zionist Freemason Rastafarian Rosicrucian Nazi Evolutionist Trotskyite’s New World Order Illuminati Rotarian AntiChrist agenda in November. Vote Republican! Vote Ayn Rand! Vote often!”
A hearty Amen to dat, brotha Dinesh – and good luck appealing your conviction. If Teavangelicals can gain enough power on November 4, what might the good ol’ USA look like by the end of the decade? The video galleries below provide some educated speculation regarding the key forces that promise to reshape this great nation’s destiny. But first, as a public service, I present the following modest proposal: America as seen through 2020 vision.
– 2014 –
The resounding Congressional and Senate victories of the Republican Party in the November elections stunned many observers, but veteran electoral strategist and GQ model Dick Cheney attributed the triumph to repeated broadcasts of Ann Coulter’s wildly popular ‘But But / But But / But But / But Benghazi’ music video in the final days of the campaign. Following the elections, there was a major confrontation with Barack Obama, triggered by a Paul Ryan press statement: “The president’s choice of a very loud rainbow plaid dinner jacket, fishnet stockings, and goth lipstick for his State of the Union address is clearly an endorsement of gay marriage.” As allegations of rampant electoral fraud began to surface, the Republicans engineered a government shutdown that lasted till Christmas Eve. Boxing Week sales of AK-47s broke all-time records.
– 2015 –
Patriot icon Cliven Bundy’s well-regulated militia, the Armchair Minutemen Brigade, seized control of the White House on New Year’s Day. However, one of their bazookas backfired, setting fire to Bundy’s latest Welfare check, which in turn ignited Phil Robertson’s beard. The insurrectionists panicked and scattered. As the Oval Office caught fire, Barack Obama was escorted by armed personnel to a bunker in the Pentagon for his protection. A few hours after the fire was fully extinguished, the president mysteriously resigned. New president Joe Biden spent several months attempting to prevent the scrapping of Obamacare; it was finally repealed in September, a move that was gleefully hailed by Rick Perry as “the last gasp of the socialist cobra”. Congress approved 10-Tier Trickle-Down Medicare, and then declared Martial Law. The following day, a virulent new STD called Huckabee’s Revenge was unleashed.
– 2016 –
Early in the year, Michelle Obama declared her intention to run for president; shortly after, James Son of Dob (aka The Lord’s Anointed) announced his own candidacy. The Focus On The Fetus founder told CNN he was still annoyed that Jerry Falwell had gotten all the babes during the Reagan/Bush years, and now it was his turn. When the Left Behind plagiarism scandal forced Kirk Cameron out of the GOP leadership race, the Dobster consulted a talking donkey and picked senator Ted Cruz as his running mate. He then sold his Halliburton shares, and bought the Republican Party as a wedding present for his new wife, Sarah Palin.
Renaming the GOP the Kristian Kapitalist Knights, he set to work. With the help of a Duck Dynasty giveaway of 100 million Chick-fil-A jalapeno sandwiches, a Raytheon Tomahawk missile raffle, and a viral YouTube video of Pat Robertson & Britney Spears rapping the 10 Commandments, the Dobmeister managed to sway the polls in the KKK’s direction. His coup de grace was getting W Bush to plant a typo on all ballots, spelling the Democratic candidate’s name ‘Osama’. Fortunately for the Dobster, enough right-wing Christians could actually spell, and took the error as a supernatural warning from God. The KKK was elected in a landslide,
– 2017 –
Son of Dob was inaugurated in January. Dobby and Sarah then went on a belated honeymoon in Las Vegas; but the new president died in a mysterious slot machine explosion. The vice president took power – and soon after, married the president’s widow in the Fred Phelps Memorial Chapel. At first, disgruntled Democrats demanded to see the new president’s birth certificate; however, upon learning that he was born in Canada, they decided he was sufficiently American. Shortly after, President Cruz invaded and annexed Canada, selling the water rights to Nestle; Emperor Harper was allowed to stay on as ruler of a small caliphate in the Alberta tar sands.
Cruz then fired all members of Congress, replacing them with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders; the Senate was replaced by the Rockettes. Glenn Beck was appointed Secretary of State; the Pentagon’s top brass were replaced with Dow Chemical CEOs; National Rifle Association leaders were put in charge of the FBI; Rush Limbaugh was the new Minister of Defense; the Koch Brothers took over the Treasury Department; Phyllis Schlafly was chosen as chair of the Women’s Health Tribunal; Jack Van Impe was appointed head of the Weather Prediction Bureau; Terry ‘Burn-a-Koran-a-Day’ Jones was put in charge of the Library of Congress; and George Zimmerman headed the new Racial Sensitivity Training Program in Ferguson, Missouri. Churches were designated as re-education camps, and dissenting pastors were lobotomized. All the gold bullion in Fort Knox was donated to Lockheed Martin, and the White House was renamed Westboro Baptist Cathedral.
– 2018 –
During a climate change protest, Ralph Nader, Noam Chomsky and Michael Moore were mysteriously assassinated; their funerals were picketed by the Southern Baptist Convention, and their bodies were confiscated by the CIA for medical experiments. Elections were abolished soon afterward. Medicare was replaced by WhoDaFokCares? – a TV reality show featuring uninsured disease victims competing for hospital beds and painkillers. AIDS victims were given anti-gay aversion therapy utilizing mutilated Tinky Winky dolls. Vending machines offering automatic rifles and bulletproof blankets were put in all the high schools as part of the Peace & Safety campaign. Once the KKK’s Reagan Memorial Family Values Program was fully implemented, thousands of dissidents were rounded up into football stadiums, and disappeared soon after. United Nations headquarters was mysteriously destroyed in a huge explosion.
– 2019 –
With the atomic energy program fully revived, all remaining environmentalists were ordered to store nuclear waste in their basements. Those who refused to comply were given federally-approved waterboarding baptisms, and their bodies were used as fertilizer for the myriad tobacco fields that replaced most of the national parks. The Grand Canyon was turned into a mass grave for all women known to have had abortions, and then paved over to make way for the New Jerusalem Theme Park. Welfare and Social Security were scrapped, and the poor and elderly were herded into Hobby Lobby factories to mass-produce ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ smile buttons – which were declared mandatory wearing apparel for all loyal citizens. The Patriot Act replaced the Bible in the nation’s courtrooms.
On New Year’s Day, President Cruz announced the month-long Tea Party Jubilee. He unveiled the Statue of Limitations at the Pentagon, and proclaimed that the country had been renamed the Republican Confederacy of America. Upon learning that his wife had once seen Russia from her RV on the way to her rifle range in Alaska, the president put her in charge of foreign policy. Commissar Palin immediately authorized production of the John Birch Happy Meal Missile. The first nation to be nuked was Switzerland: being small, compact, neutral and dang foreign, it was ideal for target practice. The KKK then changed its name to the Supreme Priestly Junta. Under the Romney/Bachmann Monetary Plan, the Junta revived Confederate States currency, and required all of the country’s bank presidents to have their urine samples personally tested and approved by Donald Trump.
The coronation of Imperial Wizard Rafael Edward Cruz was honored across the land with a chorus of Duck Commander fanfares. Walmart managers at the Rio Grande threw celebratory grenades at a boat full of children attempting to cross the border from Mexico. Dozens of truck drivers sponsored by the 700 Club drove diesels through the nation’s Yellowstone Memorial Tree Farms, jubilantly rolling coal as they sang God Bless America. Open Carry Texas members triumphantly paraded through the Capital, ending at the Washington Monument, where they formed a firing squad and executed the leaders of Moms Demand Action. The joyous finale featured the beheading of Barack and Michelle Obama – broadcast live on Fox News, as Ted Nugent poignantly sang We Shall Overcome.
And verily at long last, this great land of ours was indeed God’s Country – for the Good Lord Himself, through His humble servant leader Wizard Cruz, had finally been anointed as America’s Ruling Patriarch, Almighty Priest, Holy King, Brigadier General, and Supreme Commander-In-Chief. Hot damn, dude!
THE TEAPUBLICAN GOSPEL
Tea Party Origins
Bankrolling the Tea Party
Tea Party America
Tea Party Hate
The American Taliban
Pastor Cruz & the Anointed Transfer of Wealth
The Religious Wrong
Gospel of Bondage
BLING GOES BETTER WITH KOCH
Uncloaking the Kochs
A Koch Senate
Koch Brothers Exposed
Kochs vs Voting
Kochs vs Unions
Kochs vs Minimum Wage
Kochs & Segregation
Kochs & Tar Sands
Kochs Go to College
Kochs & Citizens United
Kochs vs Harry Reid
Kochs Off the Grid
What the Kochs Want
Koch Bribery Allegations
Koch Myths & Facts
Cruz to the Future
Once Upon a Trickle Down
Top 10 Conservative Myths
2016: Obama’s America
Obama Conspiracy Theories
The Slow Motion Lynching of Obama
NRA Convention 2014
Open Carry Texas
America: Imagine the World Without Her
The American Dream
The Ghost of Woody Guthrie
The Ghost of Ronald Reagan
The New National Anthem
AMERICA ON MUSEMASH
Teapublicans Attempted a Bloodless Coup
Invasion of the Bible Snatchers
GOP Dead in the Water
Cold Dead Hands Have a Stranglehold on America
Shock, Awe & Outrage
Dark Side of the Wizard of Oz
Unsolved Crime of the Century
Statue of Limitations by Ingfbruno; Ann Coulter, Rick Perry & Wayne LaPierre photos by Gage Skidmore; used under Creative Commons Attribution license. Sarah Palin image courtesy of Amazing America.